Allison Bottke
By Ashley Andrews, 700 Club Interactive
CBN.com –What do you do when you encounter difficult - difficult behavior, difficult people? Knowing how to respond to difficult situations where difficult people are involved can be...difficult. But it's a problem we all live with. From the hipster that nearly ran you off the road to the church lady who cut ahead of you in the grocery line, difficult people are everywhere. But they're not all strangers. No, sometimes difficult people take on the form of bosses, co-workers, clients, customers, friends and family - or, if we're being honest, especially family. So what do you do? Do you just grin and bear it? Do you stock up on sarcasm and hope that they'll read between the lines? Or do you heed your inner knuckle-dragging caveman and let your club do your talking for you? It's a fine line between being a doormat and a felon, so how do you walk that line? For author and debt-proof-living founder Allison Bottke the answer is simple. As she sees it, it all starts with one little word, sanity.
DISCOVERING SANITY
Over the years, Allison has learned a few things about making choices and setting boundaries. "For me, the journey to setting healthy boundaries has been rocky. Years ago, I'd reached the end of my rope (yet again) with my adult son, Chris, but this time something was different - this time I turned solely to my Bible, crying out to God not only for wisdom and discernment but also for clear answers to a situation that was continually breaking my heart. Chris was in jail (yet again), and for the first time I felt a powerful conviction that it was time for both of us to start a new life journey. For some reason, this time, enough really was enough, and things were going to change - I was going to change - regardless of whether Chris changed..." And she did. But as she shares, it wasn't easy. And it didn't happen overnight.
"I'm one of the most severely boundary-challenged individuals I know," she admitted. "So it wasn't a surprise that during this time of seeking answers, God would lay that conviction on my heart. My own boundary-setting backsliding often left tire tracks of poor choices all over my bruised heart. I knew this was a problem I struggled with." So Allison turned to writing. "I've always been a writer. That's what I do-it's how I most often process my life." And it was during her morning devotional, while she poured over Scriptures and writing notes, that she discovered something. Her poor boundaries were a result of her poor choices, and her poor choices were a result of poor sanity. As she kept digging, God revealed some actions to her that would help her relationship with her son. And before she knew it, she had the six steps to setting boundaries with difficult people.
S: Stop your own negative behavior.
A: Assemble a support group.
N: Nip excuses in the bud.
I: Implement rules and boundaries.
T: Trust your instincts.
Y: Yield everything to God.
WHY WE NEED BOUNDARIES
According to Allison, boundaries are for everyone - mainly because we all have at least one difficult person in our lives. "When setting boundaries with difficult people, the ultimate goal is to achieve freedom from the bondage of drama, chaos, and crisis that often accompanies challenging relationships. Whether those relationships are with difficult people, adult children, aging parents, teens, or perhaps even food, we need to keep our eye on that ultimate goal of freedom. We also need to understand that breaking free from anything requires hard work, and that means commitment, consistency, and consequences."
But her book does not solely teach on how to set boundaries. There is much more to it than that. As she shared, "The primary goal of this book is to help you identify the role you play in your relationships with difficult people and empower you to make new choices..." After all, you cannot change people; no matter how hard you try. And the truth is, we all deal with difficult people. In fact, we've all been that difficult person at one time or another. But just how important is it that we set boundaries, and what does a healthy boundary even look like?
Boundaries have a bad rap. People tend to see those with boundaries as either selfish and/or emotionally unstable. But "Nothing could be further from the truth," Allison insisted. "Unfortunately, when communicating with difficult people who get under our skin, many of us often react emotionally...When it comes to emotions, many of us are like gerbils on a wheel going round and round, seemingly unable to stop the out-of-control habits we've developed. We do this because we think we don't have a choice, we've neglected to define our personal boundaries, our own destructive patterns get in the way, and we've lost sight of our priorities." Here she also mentioned that coping mechanisms could be part of the problem. And personal issues (low self-esteem, enabling, co-dependency, past abuse, etc.) would only fuel those difficult relationships. "Remember too that our emotions will beg for attention when other peoples' hurtful behavior pushes our buttons. We have all developed our own coping responses as a result of our life experiences. For some of us, these coping responses lead to self-defeating, unhealthy life patterns that we repeat throughout our lives, and they act as roadblocks to freedom. When life situations trigger emotional responses, addressing our feelings is going to be a key factor in reaching our goal...If we truly want freedom in challenging relationships, we're going to have to do some deep soul-searching work regarding our emotions and how to better control them."
WHY GOD MADE BOUNDARIES
As Allison put it, "Quite simply, we need them because God has mandated them." Take, for example, the Garden of Eden. Here she also references Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who wrote in their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes. When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, "For years, Christians have been taught that protecting their spiritual and emotional property is selfish. Yet God is interested in people loving others, and you can't love others unless you have received love inside yourself...This principle is illustrated when Solomon says 'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life' (Proverbs 4:23). When we 'watch over' our hearts (the home of our treasures), we guard them."
In essence, boundaries are good for us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. "We must keep on facing the challenges presented by the difficult people God has placed in our paths," Allison urged. "Doing so we can save our lives - at least emotionally if not physically. Difficult people can harm us is we don't have a strategy to deal with them." For the most part, people don't set out to make our lives stressful or unbearable, but every so often they do. "For that reason," Allison commented, "we can and should set healthy boundaries with the difficult people in our lives...Without necessary boundaries, our lives become unmanageable...Personal boundaries are limits or borders that define where you end and others begin." And with boundaries, we will be able to achieve "SANITY...and guard our hearts and to enjoy right relationships with God and with others in our lives."
SANITY VS. EXCUSES
Excuses never run dry in difficult relationships. There is always a reason to stick around - "He promised," "She's trying," "He didn't mean to," "She's under a lot of stress," "He's just tired," or "She just doesn't understand." But the worst excuse of all, Allison asserts, is "I can't." That excuse is the most debilitating excuse there is. This excuse will keep you "living in bondage to poor choices, difficult people and challenging situations and circumstances." According to Allison, if you heed the steps for SANITY, you will be able to identify excuses quickly - your own as well as others'. Once we see an excuse for what it really is - a way to justify our actions or avoid the truth - we can then address the real issue at the heart of the matter."
Once you get a handle on filtering out excuses, you will have more room for sanity. As Allison described, "SANITY is what we gain when we shift our priorities and stop focusing on difficult people, the problem of others, and the situations and circumstances of life, and begin to focus on changing our own attitudes and behaviors - starting with our hearts. As God makes a difference in us, we can make a difference with others."
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
According to Dr. Laura, you have two options when dealing with difficult people. "Either stand up for yourself-or move on. Those are the only two means of growth."??When Allison heard this, she couldn't help but disagree. "That sounded a bit cut-and-dry to me when I first read it. Surely there are more than two options that will help us grow. Yet the more I thought about her statement, the more sense it made. Yes, there are a lot more options, but only if we want to remain stuck or stagnant. If we truly want to move forward (that is, if we want to grow) when someone has hurt us, Dr. Laura is right. We either stand up (speak up) or move on (shake it off?). There really isn't anything else to do that initiates growth."
So, when it comes to setting boundaries that will initiate growth, there are a few things you must realize. "Setting healthy boundaries isn't something we learn one time and then never have to think about it again. It's not like tying our shoes or riding a bike-processes we learn and then simply repeat the same way time after time with the same results. For many of us, setting boundaries is not that easy. But it doesn't have to be as problematic as we often make it...Standing up for yourself doesn't mean bulldozing your way over someone who has behaved poorly or has made choices that hurt you. Likewise, moving on doesn't mean glossing over a problem, ignoring it, or denying that something is wrong. Both standing up and moving on are conscious decisions we must make. Learning how to stand up or move on is a vital part in gaining SANITY."
UNDERSTANDING GOD IN DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS
You can't know God's plan, but you can learn to understand it. "The quest to know our purpose in life has confounded men and women since the beginning of time. Just when we think we've got things nailed down, the rug gets pulled out from under us, and we find ourselves looking at our lives from an entirely different perspective. Never is this truer than when it comes to setting healthy boundaries with difficult people in uncomfortable situations. Some of the boundary choices we face will be life changing. Yet the monumental choices we make that dramatically change the course of our lives are actually no more important than the individual choices we make in the everyday moments of life. Combined, they make us who we are - a rich tapestry of experience woven together by our choices." In the end, Allison shared that, "If a challenging relationship with a difficult person has left you broken or is consuming far more time, energy and resources than you have, it's time to hand it over to God. This isn't just about setting healthy boundaries with difficult people. It's about intentionally giving up the insanity that has consumed many of our earthly relationships and purposefully turning to a relationship with the Lord, where we will always feel loved, cherished, supported and significant."