Dr. Gary Chapman
CBN.com –THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES BOOK FOR TEENAGERS
TEENS & LOVE LANGUAGES
Gary chapman gives practical advice on how to effectively love teenagers according to their love language and through the different emotional and physical changes they are going through. Chapman also discusses key issues including anger, their need for independence and how to set boundaries that will benefit both the parent and teen. Socially, mentally, and spiritually, teenagers face a variety of pressures and stresses each day. Despite these peer pressures; it is still parents who can influence teens the most. Chapman equips readers to be a better parent as The Five Love Languages of Teenagers explores the world in which teenagers live, explains the developmental changes, and give tools to help you identify and appropriately communicate in your teen's love language.
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
This is accomplished through Words of Praise, recognizing your teenager's accomplishments and commending them for their efforts not just their results. Teens with this love language will also respond to Words of Affection, which focuses on the teenager themselves, not on their positive behavior. The third way to express this love language is through Words in the Presence of Others or in front of peers, which can be even more powerful for a teen than Words of Affirmation solely at home.
Physical Touch
Chapman writes that there is a time, place and manner in which physical touch should be executed. Some teenagers would recoil at a parent's affection in front of their peers but may really need it at home. As teens get older, some parents withdraw from physical affection but it may be crucial to your teen.
Quality Time
To give your teenager quality time is to give them a portion of your life, Chapman writes. Real quality time means undivided attention, no distractions. It is important to "be present" when spending quality time with your teen, actively listening and asking questions. It is a place to teach and not preach, offer advice or simply enjoy time doing an activity together that they enjoy. While teens also need time for their friends, quality time with parents is important and help foster more trust and openness in their relationship with their parents.
Acts of Service
For teens with this love language, it is important that the Acts of Service are truly unconditional and not held against them to get something back or as a form of emotional manipulation. This is an opportunity to teach them how to give freely and show reciprocal love through acts of service.
Gifts
Gifts are tangible and visible evidence of emotional love. It is not that parents should have to give gifts to every service rendered. It actually has to do more with the "ceremony" or effort put into the gift. The more effort put into the gift, whether with words of love, time, or packaging, the teen will interpret that as love. This is not to be confused with counterfeit gifts given by absentee parents to make up for their lack of involvement in their teen's life.
DISCOVER THEIR LANGUAGE
Discovering a teen's love language can be challenging. Whether they are moody, independent or struggling with anger, Chapman guides parents in discovering their teen's love language and how to become more fluent in all 5.
He says there are 3 main ways to determine a teen's primary love language:
1. Ask Questions- For example one can ask their teen, "From your perspective, what would make our relationship better?" Let them tell you what they want.
2. Make Observations- Consciously observe their behavior and their requests. What a teen requests most often indicates their primary love language.
3. Experiment- Focus on one of the five languages each week and observe the teenager's response. In time, you will see a pattern in how and what they respond most to.
BREAKING DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS & FORGING CONSTRUCTIVE PATHS
Chapman discusses how to address teens that struggle with anger and how to break the pattern in families where parents struggle with anger issues. He offers 3 initial steps toward change: 1. Admit the Truth 2. Develop a strategy 3. Analyze your anger and look for options 4. Engage the family member (who triggers the anger) in conversation about the anger issues and helping your teen develop skills for positive anger management.
INDEPENDENCE & RESPONSIBILITY
As teens grow, so does their need for independence, personal space and emotional space. This also includes social independence. It is important to honor a teen's need for "space" while also maintaining healthy boundaries. You recognize many of these behaviors: they need their own room, car, play their own music, wearing what they want, having their own beliefs, morals and values. Chapman provides advice on how to both encourage their growth into healthy independent adults while maintaining boundaries and learning responsibility. These include: duties around the house, schoolwork, use of cars, money management, dating and substance abuse (drugs and alcohol).
RULES & LOVE
Chapman encourages parents to set boundaries but to make sure they are rooted in love. He also advises that parents form rules with their teens, involving them in the process. Here are Chapman's "Rules about the Rules" and "Rules about the Consequences":
RULES ABOUT THE RULES:
• Rules should be as few as possible
• Rules should be as clear as possible
• Rules should be as fair as possible
RULES ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES:
• Consequences should be determined before a violation
• Consequences should be administered with love
• Consequences should be administered consistently